Yesterday started out rough, I hadn't slept all night and was struggling to commit myself to the errands I needed to run today. My back was not so kindly reminding me that I have been to busy and to up, instead of taking it slow. Jocelyne has/had a fever and wanted cuddling, water, and Popsicle. Then then the stress of paying bills, finalizing paperwork for fall classes, and all the errands I had to run. I slept, 45 mins...
Then I got home and started to check the bank acct. I have gone and talked to everyone and got everything I can on a lower payment. I was fine.. till I checked the bank account. All our money for the next 2 weeks was gone.. All our accts were zeroed out. I shut down.. I sobbed.. Today people/neighbors asked me if I was ok, was someone hurt or dead.. You could hear me crying from the street. I even had people ask me if Amos and I were fighting.
I feel so hopeless, everything I had done to save money and it had just disapperaed. I called the bank and was on the phone with them for almost an hour, still crying, trying to explain everything. Telling them I have a job with the scouts once the school year starts up. I will be going back to school and will be getting the Post 9-11 GI bill, money is coming. HELP!!!.. a few women did, apprentely they have been in my shoes and they told me once we do this, quickly go to the ATM and pull it all out. So I did. . .
But what kept me going, was the kids. They heard me crying and came to my side to comfort me. Jocleyne asked if my back was ouchie again, when I said no she said "IF its hurt I can kiss it better cause you make my owies better", Balian brought me a pillow and his blankie. Jocelyne brought me a bigger "Mommy size" blanket and her baby jaguar, they sat with me telling me to try to tell them whats wrong. They were telling me all the things I tell/ask them when they are crying. They sat with me and held me "Mommy I want to hold you" (Balian), " Mommy it will be OK we love you and if you want I can get you a big baid-aid" (Jocelyne).
I felt rich basked in this unconditional love, I had hope again. I would sell everything I had to keep their faith in me. Being a mother to these amazing children has change my world so much, I could never do anything to myself to hurt them. They keep me going.
Once amos got home and I explained what happened, he held me. It wasnt my fault. he was proud I called the bank and demanded it to be fixed. But when eating dinner after loosing a filling in my tooth eariler, the same tooth broke. I wanted to crawl in a hole. our dental insurance cards havnet come yet. plus there is a co-pay, how long can I deal with this as well.
We made a plan, start with selling all the odds and ends metal in the yard. I did that this morning. I took a lot of things we just got at the store yesterday back. And we are cleaning out the garage to sell all we can. We are going to get through this.
**even today when I started to feel down and depressed again, I would focus on the good that has happened.
1. I have found a Internship for school its at the local soup kitchen so I will work their 3 days a week, (get a meal) and then go to work for the scouts. (less travel, and a meal!)
2. all my paperwork is done and completed for finacial aid and VA- GI bill.
3. I am registered for all my fall classes.
4. daycare will continue to take small payments and will take the kids back even IF i am in their debt becuase they want me to finish my education. I will pay them once we have more income as long as we make small payments every 2 weeks.
5. my family loves me, and we have deer in the freezer to cook.
6. I only have to fill my car up, once a week if we walk or ride our bikes everywhere in town. that means 1-2 trips for errand a week/7days.
7. the more we sell = less clutter
8. at least we arent homeless.
9. this will make me stronger.
10. This is where there is chocolate and ice cream!!!
**
New fav quote:
J.K. Rollings said " Once I hit rock bottom I found a solid foundation to build my life on"
you are so inspiring, and such an amazing mom!
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