Last night was Hell. Just wanted to make that clear. Today I survived on 4hrs of sleep and I have no idea how I didnt have an ANGER eruption. I have been on a emotional rollercoaster for a few days and NO i had nothing to do with the books I was reading. In fact this time i read all of the HP and only cried once. Just once in all 7 books. Besides feeling more depressed the usual and emotionally drained. empty. void... reading is my only escape from myself.
What Im getting at is Last night I was at such a new low i contemplated leaving as in just walking out. As in just taking my ID and going, then i thought maybe a backpack and my bike, or my dog and a bag no place in mind just distance... each time I was making a plan I kept thinking of my kids. They are after all the reason I get out of bed, out of the house, or out my misery. NO matter how hopeless,lost, incomplete, and broken I feel, I will not abandon them. Though I do hope to find a program that will let me go for a year to work on myself and to return the person I was back in 2005 before I left for OIF. Last night was a battle of wills between myself and myself. (fight or flight). Do I have enought fight left?? I hope I do.
Today I was happy to have the kids qualify for WIC again. Not only that but to qualify for $18 of locally grown Farmers market food. That coupled with qualifying for food at the local Food panty has settled my fears of food on the table. IM happy for the small miracle of the utilities caught up till the end of the month. Though I am still working on getting our Paperwork together for food stamps. Amos going on AT for 2weeks but then that changed to maybe a month (we dont find out till Friday and if he goes for a month he leaves Sat) .. so I would have to drive to where he works to get his checks (dislike). It also leaves me with little to no support during that time. (Just when I feel my lowest)
It has been 2 weeks since I quit school and my internship and you can tell a positive difference in the bank account. Not much but just enough that we can squeak by from paycheck to paycheck. I hate being this broke, I hate not being able to find work. I am glad I have my scout job back in Aug. and will get the GI bill again sometime in sept. but thats money we dont have now.
Im am starting to think my dog knows something is wrong. She wont leave my side and cry's when I put her out. She sits by me and just sits, letting me cuddle her or pet her when i need it. I need to get her certified as a "companion animal" so she can actually go with me places I feel most vulnerable. But alas that also costs and while I'm sure I could get the medical wavier from my doc I dont dare ask to have yet something else I cant afford. Besides feeling safe and invisible behind my camera I get comfort from her.
BUT what keeps me going...
My kids, Our kids, the kids.. Jocelyne and Balian. My reason for waking up, getting out of bed, and trying each day to make them happy and know they are loved even when I feel like I'm falling apart. Taking them to the Childrens Musume and seeing them play and ask questions. having them give me hugs and tell me I'm the bestest in the whole world. Or hugs and kisses. balian telling me Mommy I need to hold you. Then he cuddles with me. Or jocelyne seeing me cry and brings me baby jaguar (her fav stuffed animal) and her Dora blanket as she tells me to lay down and she caresses my head telling me I will be ok. They are the reason I didnt walk out last night, and why I stay and fight my demons at night. Why I swallow my pride and ask for help. Why I try to play with them each day. They bring a joy to me I have lost myself but I find in them. They love me when I feel unlovable. This has nothing do to do with Amos, I still love him to, but the kids love is different.
I love and appreciate everything Amos does. HE goes and works every day, drive 1.5hrs each way for us, he takes his lunch to save money and has given up a few hobbies for us. He struggles like me, but he still does this for the family, for the good of the family he is the head of, and he takes care of us. He listens to me cry and holds me, he plays with the kids, and lets them know they are his reason as well.
so here i am blogging this all, trying to unload it all so i wont dwell on it when i try to go sleep again tonight. i hope to sleep tonight.
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