child's play

Not a normal day at all...

So i was on the wounded warrior project's page today and I became a mix of empowered.  With ideas on how to help, I felt related to"I live in a new kind of normal" and depressed "Invisible wounds are invisible to everyone but the person who feels them".

Lucky for me, I have 2 kids who dont let me mope but instead want to go ride bikes, walk the dogs, play outside and go berry picking. We have black raspberries and red raspberries growing in our yard, and my moms. I did all the picking, the kids did all the eating, not letting me wash most of them.

Well then, Amos come home with a deer in the back of his car... Yes a Doe, a deer, a female deer... (Sorry Had to.. :P) so we had to wait for a permit since its out of season and it was a highway kill (not his car but the car in front of him). Then I took it to my aunts to get butchered.

And besides some stuff I dont want to talk about., that was my day.

Back to the baking

it was one of "those" nights last night, where insomnia was winning the battle even against an ambian. I ended up sleeping on the couch falling to sleep out of exhaustion somewhere later then 230am (that was the last time I remember looking at the clock). Waking up was difficult. And since Im still process yesterday, I went on default mode, I baked. Baking  and cooking is what I do when I need to feel control over something. Cleaning is pointless when I am in these moods. Because the kids will just follow behind me and destroy all that I have done. And there will be nothing to show for the work I did. But cooking/baking. That has a positive outcome. I can follow the directions or just let food inspire me, and I will have a meal or dessert for my family at the end of it. Something accomplished, a sliver of control.

I ended up grilling steaks that we had frozen, making beans, and home made potatoe salad, yeast rolls, bread, egg/tuna salad (for wednesday),  and ice tea.

MIght just be a Monday

I cant believe that I spent almost 5 straight hours at the VA. It was my first/initial C&P appt, we went over my claims and had a evaluation physical, including 17 xrays (3parts of my body, just lots of angles). I found it very physically and emotionally draining. Once I got home all I wanted to do was decompress and be alone. But I have been spending a lot of time alone, with headaches and just in general.

It took just as much time once I got home to feel even kinda normal (well at least whats normal for me lately). And now I get to look forward to another appt on Thursday this time for Psych (PTSD).

Itch to travel.

I have the itch, the itch to travel and to see new things, to be in the moment and to AVOID the tourist traps but to still have a memorable experience. Anyone who has been anywhere with me knows I will walk them into the ground to see as much as I can. Take as many pictures as I can and to just enjoy the view from the top. I found out by accident that I can pick up on simple words and phrases in French, Dutch, and my ear attempts always bring smiles and the desired outcome.

Blame my grandpa who lived 12yrs in another country before he moved his family back to the states.

Blame my 5yrs in Germany, and countless day trips I would take on the train or in a car. Sometimes just getting lost on purpose on the bus just to see what would come of it.

Lately my desire is becoming unmanageable. I am getting tired out my current surroundings I want to go somewhere. to see something new, try new things.  With 2 kids, 2 dogs, 2 cats, and a husband my priorities have gotten rearranged.

So I was so glad to have a friend ask that after we both turn 30. We both go, (just us, her and I and, NO kids)... We choose Costa Rica because I have family I have never meet there and we can backpack across it within a month.

Just having something like this to plan, talk about, has made me remember a lot of things I have wanted to do and still want to.

pinching pennies

I figure I will put it out there now, that I dropped my summer classes. my Photography class and my Internship at Damar. I dropped them because of financial reasons. Mostly the cost of gas, daycare, a babysitter, and other bills all causing a huge strain.

I have been looking for work everynight and apply for 1-3 jobs as I find them.
But nothing yet. I even finished filling out more paperwork for the VA for my claim. I have 2 C&P appts next week.

Taking time out

2nd day of summer and I still have a allergy induced sinus pressure headache/congestion which has left me in the place of bad moods. So with the weather threatening storms all day I did what I knew to do.

The kids and I piled on into the Element and we went to BK where they played at the play scape for an hour then we went to go find pretty things for me to take pictures of, (it ended up being a lot of old barns and picking blackberries).

Once home, we went on a bike ride to the park to play some more, then home for dinner and downtime.

I am currently worried about what to take before going to bed since I am having some terrible post-nasal drip and have even considered sleeping in the recliner. So I can avoid the terrible feeling of stuffy head once I wake up.

Ciao`

How can you get depressed when on Anti-Depressents?

Simple, keep taking them (to stop now would be VERY BAD) but the stressors in life that you thought you had under control change and nothing is under control.

Quickly things will snowball and you loose all control and it feels like your looking up from a hole that is deeper then before just in a different location.

What do you do? Give up, throw your hands in the air, or try to maintain where you are at till things start to look up?

Depends... are you a glass half full or half empty type of person. No matter how positive a person can be, things still happen and life still goes astray.

IF you have to, make simple lists of things you can accomplish to gain some control. Even if its washing the dishes and getting out of bed. Get those short term plans moving again. (Go back to school in the fall), and those long term goals (debt free in 3yrs).

Try your hardest not to give up and give in. even if you have to practive deep breathing 8+ times a day, as well as  think of the people who's life would change if you changed.

Seek help, seek guidance, and seek support. This to shall pass.

Let me take your picture

So I started a "business" if you want to call it them. Something to bring in some extra income. So here I am, Christylee Photographer!



http://www.facebook.com/pages/Sparrow-Hawk-Portraits/190281121021332


like me.. and if you live close enough.. hire me.