Today I went to the VA for an appt I had with my therapist. I have been doing EMDR therapy to try to help but lately life has just snowballed. I told her how life has just gone south since we last talked and about the panic attack I had not even an hour prior when I was dropping amos and the kids off at the children's museum. I told her how depressed I have been and how I just wanted to walkaway.. She looked to see what the results of my C&P from earlier in the month was and the VA has decided I do have PTSD "officially" enough to receive a rating but I dont know what the rating is yet. No word on what the medical evaluation says. I broke down in her office and just wept till I was shaking for over 3/4 of my visit. I didnt/dont feel better after crying. I just feel empty. lately going to my appts just leave me so drained it takes me days to recover. in 2 weeks I go back to talk to her and to my other doc to see if I need to change meds or up my cymbalta. Trying to explin how this feels is a foolhardy attempt. I try to make analogies of how tiring it is and sore muscles after a long time being a couch potatoe. but that doesnt do justice. you can treat the sore muscles with ice/heat and they start to feel better... I feel worse the that. Like a sand castle that the waves keep destroying and no matter how far up the beach I build I keep getting destroyed even if sometimes are longer intervals. I cant be solid anymore. Thats what I hate.. the feeling of brokenness. Feeling half a person and today, the nothing yet has brought back the energy I need for survival. survival mode... I want to get out of this...

I need to keep hoping that something will make it better... Its 5pm and I know we have stuff to drink in the cabinet.. but I dont want to start because I dont know if i can stop. So here is a toast of DR. Pepper and ice.. letting the voice of reason win and no alocohol. So cheers to the battle in my head, the little voices, and to the rebuilding of a life. So i write instead... i hope that someone somewhere who feels like this finds my blog oneday and knows they arent alone.

Amos leaves for 2 weeks tomorrow for AT, I have to be strong and make a plan. I cant loose it when he is gone. They (kids, amos, pets) need me to be accountable till then.