counting the days...

Seems the kids just want to go to the birthday party tomorrow, and I am counting down three different deadlines.

Monday: Ironic but Im waiting to see if I got the job, so I can give my notice if needed to the BSA, and drop-out from school. If not then life goes on how I had planned.Also will call the dentist if my jaw's swelling doesnt go down and I cant open my mouth all the way. Yes my tooth/jaw are still hurting me.



Thursday: VA appt, I need my meds changed or something. I cant continue with this depression/ptsd/anxiety.. I'm about to ask to go back to prozac something.. I am also going to meet up with a friend from school and show her how to use her camera/walk the canal. Then after my appt we are going to go to the  eiteljorg "american indian and western us history" museum. afterwards  go get the kids and go home.

Saturday: sometime that evening Amos will get home. I am desperate for adult conversation, help with the kids, and someone to cuddle with.

WTF friday, you suck

Friday (at least this friday) sucks, I went to the dentist and walked out in more pain the I was before I went in. They gave me a filling but due to the damage of the tooth (the one I lost the feeling in and broke) it will need to be crowned. I had a flashback/anxiety attack in the dentist chair and that was uncool. I had them in my mouth drilling, Im crying and digging my hands into my arms bad bad bad all around.

ONce I came home and then numbing agent wore off my tooth/jaw was in so much pain I was dizzy. it acutally hurt worse then my back.

I made two curtains for the kitchen today, painted 2 walls in the bedroom, and finished with velcro on the cape.

saturday will be more of the same, cleaning, painting, sewing, and working on making our bedroom a haven, instead of the laundry dumping grounds.

Sunday the kids have a birthday party to go to and the are so excited. . . me to...

Monday I find out about the job and I am excited and scared.. but once I know I can either go get books for school or inform everyone of the changes in my status and give my notice.

I miss my husband, I miss a co-parent. and I hate having everyday feel like groundhogs day.

Dog- Hit by a motorcycle.

I have been attacking a room a day, decluttering and for the rooms with carpets getting them ready for a day next week where I shampoo them all. But today, when I was getting ready to vaccume I put the dogs in the back yard. They were keeping me company because the kids begged to go to school/daycare. We both needed a break. Just as I finished up I head the neighbor on his motorcycle drive by, then I head Emily Yelping/Crying and limping back to the house. He was out of sight, she came to me and I brought her back inside. I kept calming her down like I would calm one of the kids down and I felt her over for blood, or anything that felt funny. She has a little road rash on her front left paw, but over all I could see no more damage. She was walking/limping and she was letting me touch her. Both good signs. once I got her comfy, I started to call ER vets.

About this time the Neighbor comes back back on his motorcycle to tell me " I hit your dog with my motorcycle, both tires, dont know where she went but its her fault for getting in the road." I couldnt argue that it was his fault she was in the road. After he left  I let myself cry for her, then I called amos, he was not helpful. And even called her stupid for getting hit. But also knows the neighbor I was talking about Effin jerk, and thinks how I do, that he aimed for her. He has given both our dogs death threats before.

But  since we cant afford to take her to an ER vet,  I called our family vet. A good man and great country vet. He explained that he doesnt have the capabilites to take X-rays, but since she is letting me touch her its a good sign. That I need to look at her gums, if they change color she could have internal bleeding. And to offer her soft food and water, eating/drinking are good signs. He also told me to crate her so she wont be disturbed and can rest. I can call him if there are any changes but If she does have internal bleeding not much can stop it unless he does surgury. But he would accept payments.

I got her in the crate with a big blanket as padding and went to get the kids. I was so worried about her the entire time. The kids were very concerned and asked when she will go to the doggy doctor. They wanted to get her a special treat to help her feel better. So we went to the local pet store and got her a dental chewy thing. We got some fruit at the store and came home.

Emily got up to great us but then laid back down. she didnt chew her treats, but she did take a small drink and eat half a hotdog. She even let the kids pet her from the outside of the crate before she started to yelp when they got to her sides. So I expalined she could only get her head scratched. Both kids have been checking up on her and scoulding her for not looking for cars and not getting in the grass when a motorcycle was coming.

So Im worried about my dog but shes a fighter like me and just needs time to heal. Tomorrow I can give her aspirin (the vet said no pain meds for 24hrs to make sure we dont mask the injury). But once she gets better I dont think she will chase anymore motorcycles.

Tuesday is a repeat of monday.. kinda...like sunday...

the past 3 days I have been busy. I've been accomplishing my to-do list. From going through the rest of the garage, all my craft boxs (4 very unorganized boxs), moving cabinets, and hanging more shelves. But all I do during the day I still cant sleep at night. I toss and turn and realized I dont like sleeping on his side of the bed, unless its been warmed by him. (( I miss him right now)).

Today was my job interview, and I think it went ok/well. She was hard to read and I think I had to many questions about the position. But she did give me paperwork on the 2 week training in Charlotte NC. But since I dont know if she gave that to everyone, I will cross my fingers till monday.

my back is having moments of spasms and stiffness. Im about to go to the VA and ask them to give me something. Im very scared of the possible reality of it sending me back to the ER without Amos here.

yesterday I made jocelyne a superhero cape to give a friend for her birthday. My kids are diving me crazy but at the same time they are super cute about driving me crazy. Regardless Im taking them to daycare for the next 2 days for a break and sanity. I also need to snap some pics and post my sale Im having on all the sites as well as post signs.

well here's to checking off the to-do list, and to making new entries on it. I can only hope that "when" I get the job, and am gone for 2 weeks of training that Amos does something like this to surprise me as well.

Head-up & my nose to the grindstone

So we woke up early and we went and dropped Amos off for his 2 weeks of AT. I think we did good with explaining to the kids where he went, (Daddy went to get extra practice being a soldier, to help protect people from bad guys), and we got to talk to him for 15 mins tonight.

Once home I put everyone back to bed but I turned on Nick JR, just in case then put myself to bed (last night I took an ambian and a half).  I slept for 2 more hours before the kids woke me up with the sound of screaming and the vacuum. Seems they found a bag of Epsom salt and it ripped/exploded all over the couch/living room. What they were doing with it in the first place I have no idea. But the fact they got out the small *purple* vacuum to clean it up made me think twice about getting mad. Seems they both knew they were in trouble and my non-reaction made them more scared. The dogs have also been spending more time indoors then normal because of this midwest heatwave. They are getting to be lushs about it. After breakfast I put my foot down. I made a list and I have a goal. Today everyone would spend as much time outside as me, even the dogs.

So outside we went, and what happened in the first 15 mins? My dog *the small one* jumps the fence again... Jocelyne and I watched her. I put her back and stood where she just jumped.. and she go to another place and jumps.. this is a 4ft tall chainlink fence.. she jumps it 4 times before I give up and just let her roam. If anyone wants to complain I will let them watch her jump it.

So I put the kids to work scrubbing shelves and I help, and finish they start to wash everything.. bikes, wagons, my car, the house.... It took me dumping the water and hiding the soap to get them to stop. Still that only killed 2hrs. So I started dragging things from around the yard, house to wash and sell. My mom loaned me her pressure washer and I cleaned things up. (Graco toddler bed, Little tykes covered sand turtle, red wagons, and more toys I forgot the kids even had) Looking at all that I realized it was time for lunch and we all went inside, even the dogs. I did not turn on the tv but I did try to get balian down for a nap, after no luck I put on thomas and he was out... Jocelyne still awake... 1 for 2.

So I go back outside and finish sorting boxs for the last 5yrs of moving. yeah .. never again will I move boxs to look though later. Keep, Sell, Trash were my piles and more ended up in Sell, Trash, and very little to keep. But I go in for a drink my phone rings and I pack up the kids to go rescue my mom who has run out of gas in the interstate. Thankfully she pays us back for the gas I had to get.  And Balian is still asleep, she takes Jocelyne along for the ride and I get home to sweat my butt off outside.

I finish taking our kitchen table apart to sell, (its to big for us and our kitchen) and I pulled my back. after popping some tynolo, and praying for it to last till bedtime I keep going. Without amos here I want to prove I can still hash it on my own, but also that Im a fighter/survivor. Besides I also have free reign to toss/sell everything I can and Ive been in the "memories dont pay the bills" kind of mood. Not that Im tossing it all, I just want to be rid of all the clutter that we dont use.


By night fall and nachos for dinner I am exhausted, no Ambian tonight I hope at least, it was after 10 before I could get the kids in bed. Tomorrow we hang shelves, and I do more on my list.

Today I went to the VA for an appt I had with my therapist. I have been doing EMDR therapy to try to help but lately life has just snowballed. I told her how life has just gone south since we last talked and about the panic attack I had not even an hour prior when I was dropping amos and the kids off at the children's museum. I told her how depressed I have been and how I just wanted to walkaway.. She looked to see what the results of my C&P from earlier in the month was and the VA has decided I do have PTSD "officially" enough to receive a rating but I dont know what the rating is yet. No word on what the medical evaluation says. I broke down in her office and just wept till I was shaking for over 3/4 of my visit. I didnt/dont feel better after crying. I just feel empty. lately going to my appts just leave me so drained it takes me days to recover. in 2 weeks I go back to talk to her and to my other doc to see if I need to change meds or up my cymbalta. Trying to explin how this feels is a foolhardy attempt. I try to make analogies of how tiring it is and sore muscles after a long time being a couch potatoe. but that doesnt do justice. you can treat the sore muscles with ice/heat and they start to feel better... I feel worse the that. Like a sand castle that the waves keep destroying and no matter how far up the beach I build I keep getting destroyed even if sometimes are longer intervals. I cant be solid anymore. Thats what I hate.. the feeling of brokenness. Feeling half a person and today, the nothing yet has brought back the energy I need for survival. survival mode... I want to get out of this...

I need to keep hoping that something will make it better... Its 5pm and I know we have stuff to drink in the cabinet.. but I dont want to start because I dont know if i can stop. So here is a toast of DR. Pepper and ice.. letting the voice of reason win and no alocohol. So cheers to the battle in my head, the little voices, and to the rebuilding of a life. So i write instead... i hope that someone somewhere who feels like this finds my blog oneday and knows they arent alone.

Amos leaves for 2 weeks tomorrow for AT, I have to be strong and make a plan. I cant loose it when he is gone. They (kids, amos, pets) need me to be accountable till then.

i believe.

I believe...

Its official...

The VA acknowledges that I have PTSD...

Passion that pays...

Today I got a call for a job interview. 3 months ago I started to look for summer/part-time work. I would stay up 1-3hrs at night searching Monster.com, CareerBuilder.com, craigslist, and my colleges job page. On a good night i could apply for up to 5 jobs, on a bad night nothing.. on average 3 jobs. On my computer I have 9 different versions of my resume all highlighting different areas employers could be looking for. Of all this, I have received 2 email follow ups and today a phone call to set-up an interview.

So next week on Tuesday I have an interview for Portrait Innovations. And actually I have been super excited since. It is a full-time (So I would have to quit school in the fall), but its $12 an hour plus benefits, 40+hrs a week... To take pictures. I would make a commission on the sales of photos. BUT Have I mentioned how much I LOVE to take pictures? I do. Having a bad day, I take my camera outside and shoot away..  having a great day, have my camera and shoot away.. kids do something neat yeah.. you get the idea. My camera has become an extension of my body and this job would be amazing to get. So here is to crossing my fingers and toes.

My mom, is being glass half-full.. asking me what will I do with all the schooling I have done at this point. Well, if its up to me to be paid to do something I love, vs something Im just qualified/educated in.. I would go with passion. Isnt that what everyone wants to be paid to do their passion.

Yes I know it would require a shuffeling of what I have already planned. Inform my internsite that I have a job and cant make it. Drop all my classes and inform the VA of my education status. Let the daycare know the kids wont be coming back of if they are a different date...for the 2 weeks paid training, take the kids down to bama to stay with the In-Laws, so Amos wont be going crazy with getting them up and at daycare, to work, back to Daycare... But I want this. All those things seem small things to change if I work ahead and get them done soon.


WISH me luck. :D

When it rains...

When it rains it pours... Things come in three's...
These are pearls of wisdom that hold their weight in salt.

Today is was hot, humid and the liquid in the air was suspended in the in-between of July heatwave. We woke up early, all of us and were out of the house eariler then most mornings have seen my face for a week of two now. Off to run errands, before the heat became debilitating. First stop, the local Farmers market, where I got a spaggatti squash to use for dinner. It would be the first time to use it and I was excited and happy, till I got home and after fixing dinner of Baked Spaghetti Squash with Beef and Veggies no one wanted it. I had some and it was so good, gave some to my mom for her lunch, and 3hrs after I made it Jocelyne had 5 bites so she could get a Popsicle. Balian tried 1 bite and threw the rest on the ground. (He hasnt had anything to eat since, but at 930 I caved and gave him chicken nuggets. That boy can eat a 3lbs bag of nuggets in a week given half a chance.)


After realizing that I forgot the paperwork I needed to drop off today (FML) and the movie I needed to return (FML), we finished up grocery shopping and even went to the library for a little bit so I could get some more books. I ended up with only 2 books and the kids got 5 each. 


Once home everyone got lunch then naps once the food was put away. Lunch was simple and naps were needed. The dogs and the cat were still asleep when I woke up in the same positions I left them when I went to cuddle joss to sleep. So i made dinner and no one ate it, so my feelings are hurt. But what hurts more is my back. I can feel it tighten up on me and its starting to pull/ache when I bend over. Since I now know I can go to the doc/chiropractor my only hing is finding a someplace for the kids to be so I can go.


But there was a storm this evening that after the flop of dinner did cool the air and offer some hope for greener grass. Granted the storm knocked out our power for 2.5hrs. The kids went to play outside, I took some pain pills and noninflammatory and read a book.


So Friday I have to go to a VA appt and drop off paperwork as well as return a movie. Lets hope I have a productive night and Thursday.

Its more then just a Veterns Issue...

Lets go on a trip and find ourselves again. When I talk of just running away, this is why.. to heal...

 **
Today was a great day for me, I got a temp filling in my tooth and an appt next week so I can get it fixed the rest of the way, the kids and I went to the river to play and find shells. I even came home and made my MIL's Fried Chicken and home fries, which made Amos very happy. :D
**
So why am I writing on Vets Issues? Why do I come back to PTSD?

Because of my friends, family and everyone who doesn't have someone to talk to.

I am a first line contact/emergency contact for a friend of ours who was deployed with us (Amos and I 05-06) who has now seen 2 more tours. She knows she can call me  no matter what time. Even if all I do is listen and let her know I know what its like to have bad days/weeks. APPARENTLY.. her family doesn't know how to be there. Even my mother calls me "army crazy", she acknowledges that I came back from war different and I dont have the spark I left with 6yrs ago. My dad who is also a combat vet (Gulf War-20yrs ago), also suffers. I call him. Amos talks to me.

But who do you go to when you know your broken, but those around you just think its a phase or wont acknowledge that your different? Sure the VA has groups, there are sites on the web and hotlines. Yet sometimes you need a familiar voice that knows you... has watched you and can help. I became truely pissed off today when I realized its because they support the wars so they cant have a child go off to war and come back changed without realizing how flawed thier belifs are.

I dont want to come off ANTI-military. No, I know the cost of freedom and support each and every service member who raise their hand to support and defend  the USA... I am just saddened but the abuse and misuse of power. I am hurt and angered by treating a person in uniform differently the moment they have reached the point of mentally breaking. And the VA system for all its loop to jump through.

Invisible wounds are hard for everyone, especially the person who has them. They are harder to treat with medication, harder to express, and harder to live with.

But as a mother, how could I tell my child that their pain isnt valid because it cant be seen. Thats what she feels. Thats why it matters.

Getting better, finding that new normal is a lot of trial and error. Some days can be great for weeks but in a instant things make it crash down and you have to start all over again. Triggers are sounds, smells, the way something feels, and most of all the unknown. Only other vets who are going through it know how hard it is to wake up and to armor yourself for the day. Other vets are the only ones who can truely sympathize when you tell them of how you "flipped" at a tornado siren, or "just broke down" at the sound of a firework. Other vets know how hard holidays are and how you have to mentally prepare yourself for normal events.

I'm not perfect, far from it, and today was a good day... but I wont forget that today I had a phone call, because someone couldnt turn to family, they turned to a fellow vet.

Why cant we just let them be kids?

A week or two ago when we were at the grocery store it hit me. Just when I was worried about protecting Jocelyne from the marketing ploys of the world I was letting her brother get sucked in by them.

I made peace with the fact we cant be a totally neutral home, sometimes a Disney princess will sneak in but I can help who and how thing comes into my home. But what about the "Cars" cars, the "Thomas" trains and all that boy "stuff".?.  We have wayyy to many "Cars" cars. What battles are worth fighting.

Here he was all 2.5yrs of him screaming at the top of his lungs,  for Race-car cereal. Mater snacks, or anything else they can slap a cartoon on. Sure I went through this with Jocelyne but I was ready for that. As it seems the rational doesn't work the same either.

Wondering how to raise a boy who isn't materialistic, violent and who has narrow views of what boys can do and is cool to do.

SO for my daughter, We allow Tinkerbell because she finds things and fixes whats broken, she thinks and finds ways to make something, and she is nice to people. All things that are important. Initiative, problem solving, and a good citizen. Only place we can find that in a TV show/cartoon is Thomas, those trains can also teach about feelings in a way kids understands. *(Plus it was a favorite show of mine as a kid).

Yet, because of Netflix my kids have been able to watch "He-Man" which has made them both battle for good. But wow, its so violent. n

I sometimes think I am so worried that they will loose the innocence of childhood because of the media push of everyone elses values. But no one wants their kids to be the ones who doesnt even know who Dora is. (I was that kid, not fun even now when I say ' no i didnt watch that as a kid') I guess what this is really about is finding a balance.

Just us girls

the place where hope dies. and how to keep it alive

Yesterday started out rough, I hadn't slept all night and was struggling to commit myself to the errands I needed to run today. My back was not so kindly reminding me that I have been to busy and to up, instead of taking it slow. Jocelyne has/had a fever and wanted cuddling, water, and Popsicle. Then then the stress of paying bills, finalizing paperwork for fall classes, and all the errands I had to run. I slept, 45 mins...

Then I got home and started to check the bank acct. I have gone and talked to everyone and got everything I can on a lower payment. I was fine.. till I checked the bank account. All our money for the next 2 weeks was gone.. All our accts were zeroed out. I shut down.. I sobbed.. Today people/neighbors asked me if I was ok, was someone hurt or dead.. You could hear me crying from the street. I even had people ask me if Amos and I were fighting.

I feel so hopeless, everything I had done to save money and it had just disapperaed. I called the bank and was on the phone with them for almost an hour, still crying, trying to explain everything. Telling them I have a job with the scouts once the school year starts up. I will be going back to school and will be getting the Post 9-11 GI bill, money is coming. HELP!!!.. a few women did, apprentely they have been in my shoes and they told me once we do this, quickly go to the ATM and pull it all out. So I did. . .

But what kept me going, was the kids. They heard me crying and came to my side to comfort me. Jocleyne asked if my back was ouchie again, when I said no she said "IF its hurt I can kiss it better cause you make my owies better", Balian brought me a pillow and his blankie. Jocelyne brought me a bigger "Mommy size" blanket and her baby jaguar, they sat with me telling me to try to tell them whats wrong. They were telling me all the things I tell/ask them when they are crying. They sat with me and held me "Mommy I want to hold you" (Balian), " Mommy it will be OK we love you and if you want I can get you a big baid-aid" (Jocelyne). 

I felt rich basked in this unconditional love, I had hope again. I would sell everything I had to keep their faith in me. Being a mother to these amazing children has change my world so much, I could never do anything to myself to hurt them. They keep me going.

Once amos got home and I explained what happened, he held me. It wasnt my fault. he was proud I called the bank and demanded it to be fixed.  But when eating dinner after loosing a filling in my tooth eariler, the same tooth broke. I wanted to crawl in a hole. our dental insurance cards havnet come yet. plus there is a co-pay, how long can I deal with this as well.

We made a plan, start with selling all the odds and ends metal in the yard.  I did that this morning. I took a lot of things we just got at the store yesterday back. And we are cleaning out the garage to sell all we can. We are going to get through this.

**even today when I started to feel down and depressed again, I would focus on the good that has happened.

1. I have found a Internship for school its at the local soup kitchen so I will work their 3 days a week, (get a meal) and then go to work for the scouts. (less travel, and a meal!)

2. all my paperwork is done and completed for finacial aid and VA- GI bill.

3. I am registered for all my fall classes.

4. daycare will continue to take small payments and will take the kids back even IF i am in their debt becuase they want me to finish my education. I will pay them once we have  more income as long as we make small payments every 2 weeks.

5. my family loves me, and we have deer in the freezer to cook.

6. I only have to fill my car up, once a week if we walk or ride our bikes everywhere in town. that means 1-2 trips for errand a week/7days.

7. the more we sell = less clutter

8. at least we arent homeless.

9. this will make me stronger.

10. This is where there is chocolate and ice cream!!!


**

New fav quote:
J.K. Rollings said " Once I hit rock bottom I found a solid foundation to build my life on"

did to much

day 4 of decreased meds, and rest and I was up up up all day.. my back is now tightening and i have an ice pack on it. Proves that I did to much today. I just hope I dont have to start over tomorrow with everything. Im trying to get in to see the local chiropractor.

In thier eyes.

Sometimes I need to just reflect and to let myself be the way my kids see me. 

They love me, they think I can make/fix anything. 

And even with my angry voice they know I still love them.

I listen to why they feel that way. And I try to make sure they know I do whats best and to explain why. 

Enjoying a good book and a trip to the library to find it.

But Im not afraid to let them make mistakes or to fall down. 
I dont rush to their side when they fall and scrape their knee, but I will ask what happened, repeat it back and then doc it up.
I Try to teach them that if you fall you get back up, just try something a little different and to learn from the mistake.
I want the best for them but I dont want them to think things just grow in trees/happen.
I want them to be accountable.
I love to have fun with them, to play and explore.




I like to see them happy to help in the kitchen either baking or cleaning.
I love to hear them laugh and play together, and ask me to play to.

Some of the best days out we have are planned by them. (Dig holes, swing, slide, eat, nap, and repeat)

I read today that J.K. Rolling said " Once I hit rock bottom I found a solid foundation to build my life on." --- Wow..

When I grow up...

Lately I have been up at night, unable to sleep for a variety of reasons, but I seem to dwell a lot on the future, my future. What am I going to do for the rest of my life to make it worthwhile.

Yes I see my family right there with me in all of this, but its more on what impact I will have on the world.

I have a dream of owning and operating an Irish Pub/(Euro Bar feel) with Amos. But thats his dream. Me. well... I have a lot of dreams.

• I want to be able to take pictures and to be recongized for it. Paid for my photograhers eye. 

• I want to open a Not-For-Profit that helps returning Military families transition back to civilian life. To have a place for those who have served in OIF/OEF with families to come back and live, while they look for work, navigate the VA system, and start their college educations. Those who have lived over sea's before they ETS are at a disadvantage for all those things becasue they are unable to take leave and do interviews. This would provide a place for them to get on their feet. 

• I want to be trained in alternative therapies, (CBT and talk therapy is find and all but it doesn't work for everyone and not me), I would like to be trained in EMDR, as well as art/music therapy or even Deep "yoga" meditation. Art and music is where I find my Zen when paired with deep breathing.

• I want to keep my family safe, happy and healthy. To be there for them. But to not forget my struggle to get where I am and how its feels to stay here. ~~Maybe write a book?? ~~

society and girls

Dolls, to more specific "fashion dolls" like Barbie, I dont allow them in my home. And with lots of time on my hands because of needing to take it slow for my back I have plently of time to read feminist reviews on the sociological impact of dolls on girls. I am not worried about my son but I have been scared for my daughter since she was born.

I didnt want to much pink, when she was a baby, if people mistaken my bald baby girl as a boy because she was in blue (it matched her eyes) then I would say, "who said girls cant wear blue?"Normally that would make them quite and walk away. My son was just as bald but he still wore some of the gender neutral clothes from when his sister was a baby. IF people confused him as a girl, I would mention to them that oh "HE" does look like his sister as a baby.

So why be so worried about gender imprinting on children at such an early age. Why give my daughter every kind of toy but a doll or hide the dolls away till she could take them out of the toy box. I didnt want her to think thats all she could do. When I look at her and tell her that she is pretty/beautiful I follow that up with how it just shows her inner stregnth and how she is brave.

for having a 2 and 4yr old, they both love to be active and play outside. All of their friends are neighborhood boys. The boys range in age from 5-9 and when they try to catorgize my children I wont let them. They love to hear Jocelyne scream when she sees a bug, but at home I dont scream when I see a bug, I try to take it outside and explain how it must of got lost and misses its family. (Amos kills the bugs).

So when Jocelyne made the correlation of Mommy doesnt kill things, but daddy does it was a shocker. When she had me teach her how to pee outside like boys so she wouldnt have to keep going home to go potty, I did.  To me squatting  and not getting your clothes wet/has been a very valuable thing to know. So I taught her to go behind a tree/bush and make sure no one can see you. I giggle when I think of how she will now say she needs to go but can go on the side of the road.

I digress... back to dolls.
I dont see dolls as a positive thing at her age. Yes we have some dolls, baby dolls, a few tinkerbell fairies, but nothing she plays with for more then a few days every few months. I rewrite her fairy tail books when I tell her the stories (lucky for me she cant read and know the difference yet) but I dont want her to think she is incapable. She knows tinkerbell is pertend, but she is nice and she fixes things like Grandma pink. Princesses are pretty but we need to teach them to be brave and strong like us (me and her). I try to always find positive and uplifting role models for her. That is why I love this sites blog and facebook page. Redefining Girly     check it out.

Raising a girl is so much harder then a boy. But I have had to defend my sons desire to play "baby" dolls with his sister. He loves to push the stroller. Sometimes I think just because it has wheels, but I refuse to take the doll away, he needs to learn to nurture and be kind as well.

So dont just tell girls they are pretty and have them dress like a doll. dont-tell-little-girls-they-are-pretty.. I cant watch "toddler and tiares" for the very reason, I wonder how much therapy these girls will need when they grow up.

end parenting rant/rave/insecurity.

staggering around

Nope, not drunk, just taking my meds at staggering  time increments, because if I take them all at once I will be like I was when I came home from the ER. Zombie. Everything today was done at a snails pace. For every 10 mins I was up, I was down sitting in my recliner (couldnt get up from a laying position) for 30 mins.

It took over 15hrs (from the time I woke up till just 30 mins ago till I could stand and walk upright, with little/no pain. Granted Its time for another dose the pain is coming back in ripples.

So my back in effed up, almost constant back pain for 6 months and then yesterday it just tightened up on me and I couldnt get out of the tub, I had to crawl to get dressed, couldnt turn, bend, or walk (without looking like a hunchback). So to the ER I went, and waited.. I was there for 5hrs getting meds, and a new ice pack, just waiting to see. Not much they can do for back pain/injury if its not broken.

Last time it got "this bad" was last March when I got a MRI and found out I have a pinched and Herniated disk in my lower back. Ive done all I can, and still do to keep them from 'flairing up' and sending me back to the ER.

So judging from last time it tooke just under a month to get better, I will do what I can do be back on my feet in that time as well. I need to find and make a doc appt I was given just enough pain management meds to last 5 days.

I will also now have to look for and find a new coffee press/coffee maker since I broke the one we had this morning when I was going from the bedroom to the recliner.

have been taking pain meds.

Today's activities have been planned by a 2 and 4yr old..

Going to the park to dig holes in the sand, swing, and slide.
Going to find rocks but the stream and maybe feed the ducks.
Going to get ice cream or chicken nuggets.
And then going to the 4-H parade to get candy.

Really sounds fun. till i effed up my back and spent 5hrs in the ER then came home not in pain  anymore becasue of all the meds.

Recharge and Girl Bonding.

 I am so very lucky that Freshman year at Marian College (now Marian University) I made a great friend, one who has stuck by my side for 10yrs now, even when I was in Germany, Iraq, and in other states in the US.

Today she took me out her treat to unwind, relax and to decompress. We talked and talked, its been over 6 months since I last saw her and the time before that was at her wedding. (where I was the maid of honor).

 We meet up to get Pedis and it was awesome, I think that last pedicure I got was with her as well. Then we went to get something to eat and we talked some more. Then we went to the 'Ripple and walked around where I got some of the pics of the Turtle and the mother duck and babies.  They really wanted me to take their pictures and kept moving for me.

 Once done with that, we went to window shop at a few shops, looked at vintage clothes, antiques, consignment, and bumper stickers.  Then we went to go paint pottery.

The first time we painted was for her Bachelorette party, this time it was to have something to do when we talked.  I made them an anniversary plate with a football helmet for him and a cup of coffee for her. (this are what they look like pre-baked/fired and glazed so look for pics when I pick them up complete.

 and for me she made me an elephant. I love elephants and always have. SO she painted me one to add to my collection. I will proudly display it by the Soap-root elephant my sister craved me when she was in High school.

Elephants mean a lot to me so I'm glad that she has made me one to add to my collection. An elephant with a story always stays when i have to thin the head.

                                               You should be so proud of her, I know I am. Art therapy is my calling, I know it now.. I just need to finish my "social work/human services" associates degree before I can transfer to another University to do art therapy.

Together we decided I finish my current degree program. Then go get a business degree, then go back to school for fine arts and therapy approaches. It ART/painting/photography help me heal they will help someone else as well.

So once we got done with that we went to see the Movie Bad Teacher. it was funny.. worth the R rating, but it made me giggle and smile. We windowed shopped some more and then 12hrs later, I came home.

I know the plan was only to be gone for 6hrs but sometimes you just have a lot of catching up to do that cant be done over the phone.

I    really  think  the Green  brings out her eyes.

is it saturday yet?

My plee's have been heard. Saturday I am getting 6hrs of time away to recharge and to relax. Amos will be with the kids and I will go to indy for me some time. Might take my camera, or a book and blanket, maybe my bike. who knows. its a secret.

a night like hell followed by today. Money is evil... Rant, Rave, and desperation.

Last night was Hell.  Just wanted to make that clear. Today I survived on 4hrs of sleep and I have no idea how I didnt have an ANGER eruption. I have been on a emotional rollercoaster for a few days and NO i had nothing to do with the books I was reading. In fact this time i read all of the HP and only cried once. Just once in all 7 books. Besides feeling more depressed the usual and emotionally drained. empty. void... reading is my only escape from myself.

What Im getting at is Last night I was at such a new low i contemplated leaving as in just walking out. As in just taking my ID and going, then i thought maybe a backpack and my bike, or my dog and a bag no place in mind just distance... each time I was making a plan I kept thinking of my kids. They are after all the reason I get out of bed, out of the house, or out my misery. NO matter how hopeless,lost, incomplete, and broken I feel, I will not abandon them. Though I do hope to find a program that will let me go for a year to work on myself and to return the person I was back in 2005 before I left for OIF. Last night was a battle of wills between myself and myself. (fight or flight). Do I have enought fight left?? I hope I do.

Today I was happy to have the kids qualify for WIC again. Not only that but to qualify for $18 of locally grown Farmers market food. That coupled with qualifying for food at the local Food panty has settled my fears of food on the table.  IM happy for the small miracle of the utilities caught up till the end of the month. Though I am still working on getting our Paperwork together for food stamps.  Amos going on AT for 2weeks but then that changed to maybe a month (we dont find out till Friday and if he goes for a month he leaves Sat) .. so I would have to drive to where he works to get his checks (dislike). It also leaves me with little to no support during that time. (Just when I feel my lowest)

It has been 2 weeks since I quit school and my internship and you can tell a positive difference in the bank account.  Not much but just enough that we can squeak by from paycheck to paycheck.  I hate being this broke, I hate not being able to find work. I am glad I have my scout job back in Aug. and will get the GI bill again sometime in sept. but thats money we dont have now.

Im am starting to think my dog knows something is wrong. She wont leave my side and cry's when I put her out. She sits by me and just sits, letting me cuddle her or pet her when i need it. I need to get her certified as a "companion animal" so she can actually go with me places I feel most vulnerable. But alas that also costs and while I'm sure I could get the medical wavier from my doc I dont dare ask to have yet something else I cant afford. Besides feeling safe and invisible behind my camera I get comfort from her.

BUT what keeps me going...
My kids, Our kids, the kids.. Jocelyne and Balian. My reason for waking up, getting out of bed, and trying each day to make them happy and know they are loved even when I feel like I'm falling apart. Taking them to the Childrens Musume and seeing them play and ask questions. having them give me hugs and tell me I'm the bestest in the whole world. Or hugs and kisses. balian telling me Mommy I need to hold you. Then he cuddles with me. Or jocelyne seeing me cry and brings me baby jaguar (her fav stuffed animal) and her Dora blanket as she tells me to lay down and she caresses my head telling me I will be ok. They are the reason I didnt walk out last night, and why I stay and fight my demons at night. Why I swallow my pride and ask for help. Why I try to play with them each day. They bring a joy to me I have lost myself but I find in them. They love me when I feel unlovable. This has nothing do to do with Amos, I still love him to, but the kids love is different.

I love and appreciate everything Amos does. HE goes and works every day, drive 1.5hrs each way for us, he takes his lunch to save money and has given up a few hobbies for us. He struggles like me, but he still does this for the family, for the good of the family he is the head of, and he takes care of us. He listens to me cry and holds me, he plays with the kids, and lets them know they are his reason as well.

so here i am blogging this all, trying to unload it all so i wont dwell on it when i try to go sleep again tonight. i hope to sleep tonight.

7 in a series

By midnight tonight I will of finished all 7 "Harry Potter" books, in just over 8 days. Now I am all ready for the last Movie on the 15th. But I also realized how much I had forgotten since I last read them. Of course we all know the BOOK IS ALWAYS BETTER..

Starting tomorrow I will start the Vampire Diaries. I also have the triology of the "House of night" ready for when those are done. Reading as it has always been has been my "drug" of choice, my escape, and my cheap thrill.

Tomorrow the kids and I have a busy day and we might be able to meet Amos for lunch or before hand. Then as promised a trip to the childrens museum.

Other then reading and trying a new receipt for Turkey pot pie, today sucked.

Why does today have to feel like a monday?

Its a Tuesday for crying out loud, yet it feels like a Monday. My dog has started jumping over the 4ft chain link fence, digging a hole under the fence and jumping over the 4.5ft gate to the backyard at increased regularity..

The kids made it IMPOSSIBLE to clean/pick up the house or cook dinner. And after I gave up on the day and wanted to do something fun for everyone this afternoon, my kids freak out in the backseat of the car and I lost and just turned around it so we went back home and we all had to have timeouts after lunch, in the house. Balian slept, I read, and Jocelyne got out and rode her bike. OMG< MY KIDS are driving me crazy. I dont want to stick them im front of the tv to zone out I want them outside and if they arent in the fenced in backyard I need to be there to watch them.

So as a way of giving up,Thursday since we have errands to run in G-Field we are going to go to the Childrens museum as well. This gives us all a change of scenery, and out of the house/area to help with the stir crazy.

Saturday is the towns walk/run 5K, I am all ready to power walk it. Running takes my knee 4 days to "recover". Afterwards my College BFF and I are going somewhere to get mani/pedi's. ((Yeah, time away from the kids))

Sunday, we are going to go to the 4-H parade, since its 4-H fair time. Next week it will be something we do for a day, maybe 2.

Being home again full-time is hard,Im trying hard to find things for us all to do, menus for meals, and still keep naps and stuff set so some sanity remains. Yet, I'm looking forward to starting school again and starting scouts again.

104days of summer vacation. theme song

Fireworks on the 4th

 Hard to believe today was the 4th of July, mentally I have been preparing for this weekend for months. Last time I heard a firework go off with no warning I tried to run and almost jumped off a bridge into the river. (and I was the sober one)... Something about the BOOM, PoP brings back a lot of bad thoughts, feelings, and emotions.

So here I have been, practicing my deep breathing, and other tricks to keep me from freaking out for the past few days as everyone it seems fires off their own arsenal of fireworks.

To make matters more interesting, Emily my dog (the little one) is my PTSD dog she freaks and this weekend has dug a hole under the fence to scratch at the door till we let her in. She then proceeded to hide and not let me out of her reach.

 The moon was behind us but it was still worthy of a picture as the dusk turned to night.

 The fireworks we pretty nice for my small town. I having had 5 margaritas before hand, as well as a personal pep talk, and hiding behind my camera made the evening a lot more enjoyable.

 So for the first time in 5yrs I was able to sit and watch the show, capture the fireworks explode and not flip out.

 crystal formation

















Feathers

 a zinnia

 a dandalion

Family pool party.

 I'm to sunburned to blog... so enjoy the pic's they tell the story...

Besides the family pool party we went to see CARS 2, and Joss got her new tire on her bike.