its good to be home

Its great to be home. Today we spent all day at the zoo and I got some amazing pics.

Im lovin it

I love my new path in life. The job.. that I can call myself  a "Professional Photographer" instead of a freelance... And when asked, no, I do not regret dropping out of school. I just got my first pay stub for my first week of work. I get paid for Labor day. I just feels good.. to be in the studio, to get the smile, the moment, and to have them (clients) leave happy with photos in hand. Amazing.


I do miss my family, my kids, the noise (silence is to quite right now), the dogs, my husband and the companionship he gives me. I cant wait go to home.

checkin in

So I'm checking in.. yes I felt the earthquake yesterday and I was almost triggered. But I was able to center myself and redirect. Though my dreams are now 'off' with the room and ground shakeing like they did on the night/day of the mortor attacks.

Work is going great. Lots to cover and learn but I am up to the challenge. I found a great fit for me and the company. Lucky to have it.

I hope the Hurricane diverts away from the Carolinas so I can go to SC at myrtal Beach for Saturday. If not Im sure I can find something to do here.

I talk to the kids every 2 days, and amos every day. I mail letters/postcards to the kids and I have been enjoying my quite. I miss everyone and my dog.

here we go...

got here,

started training,

studding for the tests...

Going to bed.

Doing it all over again in the Am.

Im going on a roadtrip

Escape, but not really... I dont know what makes me happier/more excited. Knowing Im going away from the family for - 2 weeks - time alone.. yeah I will be working and training 8hrs a day. But with no obligation other then that, I will have the time to myself I have been craving. And ideally I will return a happy more adjusted employed mama.

So off to bed I go, And I wont be back online till after I get to NC.

plans when Im gone....

Had an appt with my doc at the VA. Got my meds refilled. And she asked me what I plan on doing with my "off time" when I am not training...
she suggested doing a journal.. well I have the blog, but I do that already.
Reading.. check
IF I am not sick of being behind a camera, getting lost..?? PERFECT!!!
I also want to go to myrtle beach, SC if I have time. I have a friend I havent seen since 2007 that lives there, and I will take the Family pics.

Also I want to write letters, and send the kids mail so they know Im thinking of them.

BUt most of all, enjoy the silence and do some inner reflection.

The car is packed. Just doing some work on it mechanically before we get on the road Early... sunday.

life changer!!

So... that job ... yeah the one I applied for over 2 months ago, Interviewed for 3 weeks ago... the one I didnt get...

well yesterday they called... and Offered the job to me. And wanted me to go to NC for training.

SO ... I took the job.. yeah... today I dropped out of school officially. Crossed my T's and dotted my i's. I have read and filled out their contract.  I bought uniform shirts. (things I didnt have). I am packing for this trip. I even had to quit my job with the scouts.

So, tomorrow I go talk to my docs make sure I have meds so I dont run out. and we will spend some time as a family before we go on sunday EARLY monday.

Picking it up again...

Ive taken a lot of pics over the past 3 days. So I will share the ones I got to "play with" and edit with Lightroom...

10 years... already...

So today I went to my 10 year HS reunion, (And yes I took this picture). So here is some reflections.

10 years ago, my class graduated with 75 people, 2 dropped out. (77 started the year).

10 years ago, and I still remember the stings of some of the remarks that my classmates made to me and treated me. Yet today I talked to them and made no mention of the past.

10 years ago, I had never been outside of the country, and today I have lived in Germany for 5 years, spent time serving in the Army, and have 2 kids and a amazing husband.

I may not of followed the same path I was heading on when I graduated High School, but I am glad I have taken the path I have.

If you dont know where you're going, any path will lead you there is a great quote from the Wizard of Oz...  I had only a general idea of the things I wanted to do, and the big ones, I have accomplished.

So here is to the next 50 years...
*To going on a African Safari to see Elephants in the wild
*going on a cruise anywhere
* Celebrating my lives milestones with family and friends.
*Going to Disney.
*Getting a masters degree in something.
*Opening/Starting my own business/non-profit
*Building my own home that reminds me of all my travels.
*Getting out of debt.
*Starting and finishing a book.

a run-a-muck

no I'm not running.. but I did cut the grass yesterday. 

so in all seriousness, I need to be glad Im on the meds I am so in 2 weeks when I go back I can give a good report. I have had just 1 anxiety attack in the past 3 days, and only 1 outburst. I was also able to sit back and enjoy an activity today. (painting) something I havent been able to do in about a month. PLUS, feel emotionally connected with another person (not animal) in over 4 months.

when i was putting the kids to bed I was able to be the mom I want to be. Patient, gentle, and fun.

today I was able to go be apart of something, that helps me give meaning to what I am. Getting away from the kids was as nice as gearing up for the school year. Scouts will rock. I just know it.

Trying to explain PTSD to someone is like this...
** Remember when you were a kid and your parents told you to trust the little voice that was in your head. The one that got you doing the right thing. Well, now imagine that that little voice is being muffeled and you cant hear it anymore, and instead of doing good, the voice you hear makes you sad, hurts your feelings, and makes everything ugly. Thats what it is like most days, on a good day, your little voice will try/attempt to fight back, till its spirit is broken again.

Today made up for it. . .

Today made up for the past 2 days of me doing little/no housework. Waking up early (how else would I get as much done if I slept in till 830), by 8am I had my kids plus my 2 nephews. At 10 I had help come and we destroyed (as in cleaned) the kids rooms, living room and by 230 we were on the kitchen when we ran out of steam.

we went to the State Fair and..

 We crossed the Boy Scout Legacy bridge to get to the Fair. Once we got across we earned a Boy scout patch.

Jocelyne and Balian both got to ride Ponies and an Elephant. Yes an ELEPHANT!!.. It is an Indian elephant named Typhoon.

The kids rode some rides, and we rode the Ferris Wheel..

Balian tried out a few Tractors. :D

I have heat exhaustion/possible sun poisoning.

things i have caught myself saying.. to my kids...

*Just because you have a cape doesn't mean you can really fly*

Stop right there.. Mater does not need to drive in the chocolate cake.

* Thanks for trying to help, but you just put salt in my coffee.*

The dog doesnt need to be painted

*IF your going to write/draw/color/paint on the walls dont do it in front of me*

We dont touch ourselves like that around other people.

*Please dont pee in the neighbors yard!!*

Mommy's car doesnt want to be painted with the rainbow.

*Next time when you want to surprise me with washing the dishes, can you use soap?*

Oh course I still love you even though your face is green and purple.

*No, that cat doesn't like to hide in the dryer with Blankie.* (no animals were harmed).

Reconnect/Disconnect

Ever had those time where you spend a lot of money on something and it breaks or stops working as expected the moment you bring it home??? This has happened to us with Amos's car (Piece of &%#$ Dodge Caliber) and the Kerby that Amos just had to have. Except I was able to "youtube" one of the problems and "fix" the kerby. The car.. well the chance I get to sell it, I will. *I'm Serious!!!*

In other odds and ends.. Amos went to the ER today because I made him for "hip pain" which could be caused by a lower back injury or a pinched nerve, they dont know but they sent us home with naproxin.

We did NOT go fishing today. With a late morning start, the hospital, and a storm rolling through... Kids were/are disappointed I will have to take them later or we will take them later.

This week I have a lot going on from work, to getting ready for fall classes, and a 10yr High School reunion. Going to take it one day at a time. And at some point I need to make it to the store, we are out of bread, and its to hot to bake.

A good day is like a good rain.

I know I have been pretty negative on the days I've blogged lately. And frankly its been how I have been feeling but today was nice. But today is day 3 of new/upped meds and actually Ive been feeling good again. No anger outbursts or rage issues. Today I took the kids and my mom to the Indianapolis Veterans Appreciation day, downtown at the American Legion Mall. I was able to connect with other vet organizations, ( I was invited to join an All woman's American Legion), I was able to talk to and connect with other OIF/OEF vets. And the kids + my mom had fun.

Not to mention Amos came home today!!!!!